Socially Acceptable Punchlines (Maybe)

 

*Ya know how I tend to gravitate towards list-style blog posts when my mind goes blank?

*There's totally a reason for that, but first let me tell you...

*That I stood on a scale backwards on Friday.

*Not mine. The doctor's. And I told the nurse not to tell me what it said.

*She was too confused to bother asking me why.

*I don't need the scale to tell me that I'm hormonal and in need of chocolate right now.

*So really, it's all for the best.

*Mainly because More Chocolate is totally not the answer.

*What do you mean, there was no question? Don't confuse the issue.

*I can do that perfectly well on my own. The naturopath I'm seeing now told me so.

*See, I went in with my notes and my story about being stiffed with the shallow end of the genetic gene pool, fully expecting him to nod his head, confirm my allergy suspicions, and tell me that all of my problems would be solved if I only drank water and avoided anything that actually tastes good.

*But before the allergy tests comes blood work and then another appointment to discuss the results from the lab. Oh, and it turns out that in the 60 minutes I've been talking with Dr. Naturopath, I've looked at my phone to check twitter or respond to an email no less than 15 times. Dr. Naturopath told me so before asking me if I always talk this fast and if The Husband is always accusing me of doing things the hard way and do I like coffee?

*Um, yes, yes, and yes. But how did you know that The Husband is an asshole and no I don't drink it because it's pointless when the caffeine doesn't affect me, Dr...So um, what's your point?

*I believe you have ADHD, says Dr. Naturopath. But I won't know for sure until you've tried the medications for a few days.

*Shut the front door, says I.

*I really want to look at my phone again.

*I twist my wedding finger hard enough to bust a blood vessel instead.

*Dr. Naturopath explains to The Husband all of the reasons he suspects I'm now allowed to use ADHD as a punchline with little revelations like my tendency to burn eggs while trying to boil them because I suddenly remember that the garbage needs to be taken out At This Very Moment and while coming back to the kitchen notice The Laundry Basket Full of Clothes Still Needs to Be Put Away Upstairs so I carry the basket up and set it at the end of our bed with every intention to follow through but first I Forgot to Respond to that Email and Oh Look It's My Turn on Draw Something and HOLY SHIT WHY DOES MY HOUSE SMELL LIKE BURNING EGGS?

*The Husband nods knowingly.

*I stare at both of them trying to figure out how Dr. Naturopath just read my mind. And also how I get a retroactive pass on all the times I used ADHD references in social situations as a punchline because I didn't wake up like this yesterday. In fact, it's all starting to make sense and...

*Oh look, a Squirrel carrying Something Shiny...

*What did you need again?