Dear Dr. Nathan Gills, I'd like to respond to a recent article published in the Australia's Daily Telegraph on December17 which details your recently published study regarding the dangers presented to millions in Santa Claus' seemingly innocent public image.
According to The Daily Telegraph, your study (and I'll ask you about what kind of asshat it takes to publicly bitch-slap Christmas, innocence, and childhood dreams later...) has found that Santa's image promotes obesity, drunk driving, speeding, a disregard for road rules and even extreme sports such as chimney diving and roof surfing.
And as if that isn't enough, you are quoted as saying that Santa's missing chances to use his high public profile to promote safety to his legions of young fans by not using a helmet or a seat belt while racing through the clouds in his sleigh at break-neck speeds just so he can deliver presents to all the good boys and girls who've obligingly left him cookies, milk, and apparently brandy.
As a mother and former Santa believer, I'd like to pose a few questions regarding the study, it's merits, and what the Easter Bunny thinks about being next on your list.
First of all...HUH?
A study? About Santa? The fat, jolly, jovial man of legend and dreams? A bad example? Seriously? Next you're gonna be telling me that the Tooth Fairy is actually a little person with delusions of grandeur with a penchant for breaking and entering, right?
Is nothing sacred anymore? And this bit about Santa jogging the presents around the world? Um, HELLO? It's Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer...not the tightly laced Nikes. Did your childhood suck on that many levels?
In conclusion, Whoville's calling. They're missing their Grinch.