And for my next trick...

To whom it may concern: I would like to put my name in the running for the next Non-Celebrity Skechers Spokesperson. I'm specifically interested in pimping your Shape-Ups line of footwear and believe you will see the benefits of a partnership.

For simplicity's sake, please refer to the following list:

1) I can make the unbelieving believe. Up until last week, I thought your shoes were the footwear equivalent of the Pontiac Aztek on the Ugly Scale. And frankly, I still do. But I'm not 21 anymore and more willing to see the reason in comfort over fashion. Want to break more walls down? I'm your girl.

2) Your tag line: "Get in Shape Without Setting a Foot in the Gym," doesn't exactly ring true for an overweight mom like me when you've got Skinny, Long Legs, and Super Cute attached to the product.

I'm not saying to go and fire your current models. I'm sure they're perfect for your glossy fashion magazine ads, but if you're reading this it means you want to Use the Power of Social Media to expand your reach. That means me, other mothers, and plenty of cellulite.  Want more sales? Put a face (or my blog) with your product that your target audience can relate to and you've got magic.

Trust me on this. Now please proceed to #3...

3)  I'm writing a book about my quest to find my waistline (and the ass I once thought was fat but now really, really miss) and well, this is just an opportunity to get in on the ground floor. You know, while I'm still nowhere near famous and will be happy with just a pair of shoes.

4)  I have a jogging stroller, a dog, and live in a subdivision hilly enough to piss me off in regular running shoes walking at a snail's pace. Just think of the blog posts and segments in my book dedicated to your shoes, my ass, and how I just can't wait to get back outside to tackle the next hill because Shape-Ups are so flippin' comfy?

Seriously, how much more of a perfect guinea pig can you get?

5) I have no shame. Seriously. Have you read my blog? I'm probably going to be purchasing a pair of my own Shape-Ups tomorrow, with my own The Husband's money, but I'm not opposed to allowing Skechers to sponsor my monthly Baby F(Ph)at Essay Contest. One winner a month. Lots of exposures. Still a hell of a lot cheaper than Carrie Underwood.

You do the math.

6) Do I really think this is gonna work? No. Do I care? Not really. But I've spent the last 48 hours debating on what color combination to buy myself and well, you just sending me a pair would really speed up the decision making process.

7) It would also allow me to regain some dignity as The Husband cannot guilt trip me for not spending money, right? So really, you'd be doing me a huge favor.

8) I'm a sucker for staying true to a brand once I've gotten hooked. Go ahead. Feed the addiction.

9) My posture sucks, my ab muscles shot to hell in a hand basket once I pushed my baby out, and my thigh and butt muscles all need major work but I can't afford plastic surgery. This reason alone is probably enough to have me back at the mall tomorrow buying my own pair because I really don't know the definition of patience, but I'm not opposed to expanding my shoe collection before I've even started it.

10) Honestly, I really don't have a tenth reason. I just needed a blog post tonight.