Because it's April Fool's and nothing on the World Wide Web is going to be taken seriously today, I will pretend the following List of Random Facts About Me is Worth Reading. *The Hamster Dance is my favorite song. Shut up.
*I was a B-cup when I was eight. One night I went to bed and woke up the next day with boobs big enough for my mother to turn me sideways and immediately call her friends asking for bras they didn't need. #truestory
*I like to use random hash tags in my every day conversations. Most of the time, I am the only one who can see the # in my head. Other times, @HC_Palmquist responds to me in #randomhashtagspeak, because she speaks my language.
*I grew up speaking English and Spanish. Buttercup speaks Dora Spanish. *shrugs shoulders*
*I can't refuse to parallel park.
*Coconut tastes like paper to me. The Husband thinks and probably rightfully so that I should be institutionalized for this very reason.
*I still want a finger monkey.
*And an agent.
*A book deal would kick some major ass.
*I bit a boy on the arm when he pinned me during a game of tag in the third grade. The kicker? He never talked to me again. And he grew up to be really fucking hot.
*I roll my R's when I say the word "three."
*I also can't say the word "Pina Colada" without a Spanish accent. Or names like "Antonio Banderas."
*Related: I have Movie Only thing for Antonio Banderas. Like the movie El Mariachi? Aye, M'ijita. But real life? I'll take The Husband.
*The Husband uses the word "supposably." Often. Miraculously, we are still married. Probably because his use of the word "supposably" is met with a complete resistance on my part to learn how to check my own oil. It's kind of a standoff.
*The first story I ever wrote was titled Crashing in the Backyard of the White House. The plot had something to do with two female pilots on their way to deliver Something Important and their crash in the backyard of the White House. Riveting, I know. I was eight. So were the main characters.
*I cried when Buttercup learned how to roll. Not because I was giddy she had learned a new skill but because the lifetime of worrying what her next move would be kicked off at That Very Moment.
*I am the oldest of five girls.
*There are five of us because Mom and Dad were trying for a boy.
*They eventually gave up.
*I told The Husband I will get pregnant and push a kid out my cabbage two times. If he wants more, he is allowed encouraged to knock someone else up.
*I played the flute in high school. I also went to band camp.
*I worked as a waitress in a strip club while in college. Yes, I was fully (kind of) clothed. My lesson to the world? If a man pays $12 for a "mixed drink" for a stripper he is trying to impress, he probably just bought her the world's most expensive glass of orange juice with a splash of grenadine.
*My mother told my father she was pregnant with sister #4 on April Fool's. Consequently, he didn't believe her when she mentioned sister #5 would be making an appearance.
*I chew my ice cream.
*I have a semi-photographic memory but can't remember where I put the car keys five minutes ago.
*My first job out of college was as a city editor for a small town newspaper. By the time I left the newsroom to be a SAHM, I covered two high profile murder cases and had my picture taken with the Stanley Cup.
*This is my third blog and second twitter identity.
*Scrubs made me cry during every episode when I was pregnant.
*I wanted to be Lady Jane and Wonder Woman when I was a kid.
*I still want to be Lady Jane and Wonder Woman.
*I swear #hittingsend on anything important is the Big Bang equivalent for typos that had not previously existed to come into being.
*I swallowed a marble when I was five.
*And almost drowned at the kitchen table when I was 21.
*Accident prone is kind of an understatement.
*The Husband and The Father-in-Law have the same name.
*Related? I accidentally called The Father-in-Law one thinking he was The Husband.
*Luckily, I didn't start the conversation off with, "So...what are you wearing?"