A Fairy Tale, a Bunch of Asterisks, and a Reprint

I'm pulling this one out of the Oldies file, people. Edits on the Manuscript I Hope Will One Day Become a Book are sucking up a lot of time and since it's probably best to not start a new blog post at 1 a.m., you get to read this one from last January instead. I promise to return to my regularly scheduled program when I finish revising.

Did I mention I have 19 more chapters to go?

***

Once upon a time:

*I had a baby

*Gained 45 pounds

*On top of the 15 pounds I was so close to losing before I got pregnant

*Which is technically on top of the 35 I gained after college when my thyroid dumped me

*And blindly believed I would work it off after baby

*I may have peed off about 15 pounds

*Then I ate 10 of that back

*It could have been the Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, the insulin resistance or the hypo-active thyroid…

*But then I would just be pointing fingers because

*Bottom line? I had a major mama muffin top

*And?

*It wasn’t pretty

*So I tried

*Weight Watchers

*Nutri-system

*South Beach

*Counting calories

*Working out till I was blue in the face

*Getting on the scale to check my progress and

*Looking for the nearest pint of Ben & Jerry’s to drown my sorrows in

*Life went on

*Buttercup turned one

*Then two

*And I realized I was still holding on to 35 pounds of pregnancy weight

*So I wrote a book

*And tried

*Weight Watchers

*Nutri-system

*South Beach

*Counting Calories

*Working out till I was blue in the face

*And?

*Looking for the nearest int of Ben & Jerry’s to drown my sorrows in

*Obviously

*Something wasn’t working

*Or maybe all of it wasn’t working

*Then again, the more accurate statement would be that

*My Body wasn’t working

*So

*I

*Tried

*Something Different

*Gluten-free

*Dairy-free

*Low-carb but

*Healthy grains

*Eating clean

*Which means bu-bye sugar!

*(I miss you Ben & Jerry’s)

*And even though I had

*An occasional run in with a bag of Doritos

*And walked into a Snicker’s Bar

*My scale and I made up

*Mainly because it stopped calling me a fat ass when I stepped on it

*But that also could be because

*I have lost 15 pounds since November

*And

*35 in the last year

*Which means

*I am five pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight

*12 pounds from weighing the same as The Husband

*13 pounds from weighing less than The Husband

*And?

*25 pounds from my wedding weight

*Which means?

*I am halfway to passing go and collecting my MILF card.

*And?

*Halfway to my very own version of

*Happily Mother After.

The End

Announcer’s voice: Don’t miss the next book in the Happily Mother After series in which Pauline throws the scale out the window after peeing on a stick.

Pauline’s voice: Can we clarify for the audience, please?

Announcer voice: Hmm? Oh Right. (Clears voice) No sticks were peed on in the making of this blog post.

Pauline’s voice: Thank you.

Announcer’s voice: You’re welcome.