If Pizza is a Vegetable...

If pizza is a vegetable, I will:

* swap out my daughter's organic white milk for a Hershey's Bar.

* call that Slim Jim good with the protein and tell her she can throw away her skinless chicken breast.

* throw caution (and my sanity) to the wind and start serving Pop Tarts for breakfast.

* take my child out for fast food every day just because a toy comes with the burger and fries and stop wondering why she doesn't remember what a carrot tastes like.

* toss that natural peanut butter (you know, the kind that's made with -- wait for it-- nothing but peanuts?) in the trash and hand her a Reece's Peanut Butter cup.

* start serving Ruffles with dinner instead of sweet potatoes. It's practically the same thing, right?

* accept that three Fruit Roll-Ups a day cover her basic requirements in a way apples and bananas never could.

* start every dental check up for my child by kneeling as I make the sign of the cross while whispering, "Forgive me, Doctor...for I have sinned..."

Then again, unless said pizza is served with, you know, actual vegetables on it, I'm really not sure what Congress was smoking when they decided that the two tablespoons of tomato sauce on the average school lunch pizza is enough to count it as a vegetable. Especially since tomatoes are a fruit, last time anyone checked. And by anyone, I mean anyone without a lobbyist for the industries that would have been affected had frozen pizza been blackballed as unhealthy kissing their asses, I mean.

First Pluto gets demoted and now Congress calls a fruit puree spread over a processed baked crust and covered with mounds of processed cheese and then frozen to be thawed and served to our nation's children a vegetable...

Someone get me a glass of wine.

I need my daily serving of fermented fruit.