A strange thing happened after I hit publish on Friday. I didn't notice it right away, of course. There was no dramatic realization. No being struck by a figurative lightning bolt. It was more like the rising of the sun...
Slow. Steady. And something that, when you stop to think about it, shouldn't really come as a surprise.
Sleep was fitful on Friday night. After finally talking myself into throwing caution to the wind and publishing the inside of my head at midnight before falling asleep, I was lucky to wake up in time to get Buttercup to her morning pre-ballet/tap class. I didn't bother bringing a book to read. She upgraded me, you see. A few weeks ago, when she first started, I was timidly asked to remain downstairs in the waiting room while she danced. I'm embarrassed, Mama. Instead of allowing herself to fully relax and enjoy herself with her fellow dancers, I think she had been too focused on my opinion of her performance.
So I waited. And eventually, she asked me to leave my book at home.
I sat in the dance studio with the other mothers while the dancers sues-sused and tapped their happy little hearts out. We smiled and laughed as our daughters delighted in the movement their bodies allow and reveled in their own conspiratorial giggles. We clapped, as a proper audience should at the end of a worthy performance, when the teacher announced the end of the class. Then we helped our happy girls change out of their dance attire and into their street clothes and made our way across the studio to go on with the rest of our days.
That's when I saw my reflection in the studio mirror. I barely registered what I was looking at....there were too many things to do and think about to concentrate on the size of my ass or what my hips looked like. Buttercup was asking questions and we needed to go to Target and The Husband needed me to pick up a few things at the grocery store before we headed back home and I was trying to remember what they were and...
I met my own eyes in the mirror once more before leaving the studio and that's when I saw myself through the light of the new day and realized I had sat in front of a mirror for an hour and only concentrated on my daughter, her happiness, and how I hope she grows up stronger than me.
The woman looking back at me in the mirror was smiling now. Maybe because she realized feelings weigh so much less when shared with others who understand.
Am I fixed? No. But it's a new day. And that's a start.