Search Term Funnies


Dear People of the Internet,

It seems that many of you end up on my blog when Google is recovering from a late night bender and directs you to a post I wrote that had nothing to do with getting a divorce when you search for enlightenment while pondering if you should, in fact, stay a Mrs. or make a move on the hottie cleaning your pool. I guess that makes me an expert of sorts and you are very probably now telling all of your friends that your ex-husband was the only schmo who never learned that Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat is a hypothetical question that should never be answered truthfully and that Google is now to be thanked for your new found love affair with the pool boy and my blog.

I know. I'm glad I can be here for you, too.




Do Cats Blink?

Um, unless they're dead, I would assume so. Then again, I could be wrong. Obviously, I am not an expert.



Broken Legs or Sprain Ankles of Famous Persons

I'm honored. You might not think I'm famous but Google gets a cookie. Also? I'm slightly disturbed. Judging from the way you phrased this, either you are searching for information on how to break legs because you want to break the legs and/or ankles of famous persons (which means I'm off the hook because I am not because Google totally lied) or you just...never mind. That's the only explanation I can come up with. Just remember that I am not famous.


Google lies.



Naked Fitness Chicks which was closely followed by Frowning Fat Chick

Yes, these came from different IP addresses in different countries, so it was just fate that led the pervert and the asshole to my blog AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. And Google? I can't decide if I want to kiss you or kill you.



Multiple Women Naked Bodies

Yeah...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this isn't exactly what you were looking for. Also? Google likes it if you keep things simple. Next time? Just say PORN.


How much for a baby finger monkey/pictures of finger monkeys/Platforms for Monkeys?

And many, many, MANY more variations of search terms in which the words "finger monkey" are included. Write one post about how I need a little monkey named Platform so I can tell publishers that I already have one (with a straight face) when they tell me I need one and the whole world goes insane. There was one point in time that I thought I had turned some invisible corner in my mission to become an Unfamous Writer because crazy amounts of hits and visitors were spiking my numbers higher than I had ever seen them. And I felt pretty special until I realized someone pinned the Platform the Secret Agent Monkey post and everyone clicking over was probably all You Mean This ISN'T a Blog Devoted to Tiny Primates that Cost More to Buy than My First Three Cars Combined? Well then, THAT'S Disappointing. And because I can empathize with the shock to the system that must come when words are where only monkeys were expected, I apologize.



I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

This one's only funny because it's a term I actually use. A lot. And I picked it up from my father who worked two full time jobs for nearly 20 years to support my mother and the five daughters they brought into the world trying to conceive a son. Eventually my mother told my father she was going out for a gallon of milk and returned with her tubes tied and a neutered rescue poodle. He got his boy and my sisters and I got to stop fighting over who got to sleep with the one who still peed the bed because five girls plus two available bedrooms equals very bad math.

Also? He died four years ago and I'm betting this is the longest consecutive number of hours he has ever gone without being shaken from an attempt to sleep. Had he been able to plan ahead, I'm sure the wake would have featured door prizes like T-shirts, fishing caps, and beer koozies boasting the phrase Try Waking Me Up NOW, Fuckers! and even possibly a pillow shaped pinata stuffed with interesting treats like sleeping pills of various strengths. I was at the wake. Trust me...this would have been way more fun.

Also? When I say "I'll sleep when I'm dead," I'm actually doing it to honor my dad's memory.

And to remind myself to make that mental note about placing that bulk order for the T-Shirts...