Insert Gratuitous #BlogHer12 Hashtag Here

I should be asleep right now. Buttercup starts kindergarten next Friday since we live in a year-round district and me and my lazy ass haven't had to put a bra on before noon since I was 6 months pregnant. Because I'm certain one of us is going to be the reason she is chronically late for her 7:40 a.m. start time, I set my iPhone alarm for 6 a.m. today and planned to get her up and out the door for a Target run and grocery shopping by 7:20. Call it a fire drill. Or a dress rehearsal. Just don't remind me that we arrived at Tarbucks/Starget for my venti iced black coffee five minutes after the school bell would have reminded me that homeschooling is totally underrated. I should also have booked that plane ticket on Wednesday like I said I was going to, but I'm still waiting to solidify meetup plans with my Agent of Awesome, who happens to be Jersey-based, before I drop credit card numbers on a airfare. Also? The thrill of saying my agent is still there and (follow me and make sure you keep up) I just realized I still need to figure out who in our family is flying in to stay with Buttercup while I'm in NYC and The Husband is working. After I figure that out, book the plane ticket, fly in, and hug my homegirl Robin O'Bryant if I can remember to ask her what hotel we are staying at, I can pay a cab driver Too Much Money to drive me to the nearest Whole Foods where I can spend even more Too Much Money on non-perishables to keep me going because I'm allergic to everything and that includes broccoli.

The blog posts just kind of write themselves at this point.

That brings me back to sharing what I know for those of you who happen to freak out, over pack, over think, and freak out some more at the thought of going to THE BIGGEST BLOGGING CONFERENCE OF THE YEAR AND OHMYGAWD WHAT IF I SAY SOMETHING STUPID AND OHMYFUCKINGGAWDTHE BLOGGESSLIKESMY'FRO????? Seriously, I have no idea why you're making such a big deal about this whole thing. Because you obviously need another espresso to calm yourself down and a prescription for pharmaceutical grade speed, that's why. Or're just neurotic? Okay. I'm not judging.

I am, however, about to save you from yourself. Take a deep breath and count down from five with me:

5. Don't buy a new wardrobe for a three day conference because WHO DOES THAT?

Refer to item #9 on Wednesday's list again if you must. Bottom line? You are already adorable and we all love you for your quirky self and what is already in your closet is just fine. Also? Your credit card is the only thing that will remember what you do drop on new duds because interest is evil and the rest of us are too busy trying to talk ourselves down from financial ruin as we stare blankly into our own closets. The true lesson here is that no one cares what you are wearing because we are all too busy thinking that you care what we are wearing. See how this works?

4. Don't leave home without business cards. Seriously.

This one is kind of a no-brainer. Go Vista Print if you must but be strong, hold your head high, and pat yourself on the back if you can make it to the Submit Order button with only your snazzy personalized cards in your online shopping cart. If not, I've got a personalized blog T-shirt, baseball cap, and pens that no one else noticed for you to point and laugh at.

3. Are you a writer? With five copies of your manuscript in your briefcase? And your proposal? Because you never know who you may meet that will instantly fall over themselves when you nonchalantly drop your elevator pitch for your memoir and just beg to read your words right then and there and YOU JUST SCORED AN AGENT AT BLOGHER?

Okay, just stop that. Stop it right now. First of all, five copies of an entire manuscript plus your laptop are fucking heavy to carry around all weekend and you're better off using that space for ballet flats or something else practical like a travel charger for your smart phone because -- and let me break this gently to you -- it's a blogging conference with thousands of attendees and that chick who writes for that magazine who talks to you on Twitter kind of might think you're a nut job if you tell her you were at Kinko's until 2 a.m. before you hand her the book she forgot you told her about because you thought Hey, Let's Meet for Coffee actually meant Let's Get Married and Make a Beautiful Book Deal Together. Instead of looking like the writerly version of the crazy bitch in Single White Female let's take a minute to make sure we packed our favorite lipstick and a book to read on the plane. Oh, and set a reminder in your iPhone to tweet that chick from that magazine that you'd love to meet up for coffee.

2. Love Notes To Myself

The laptop bag you currently own is just fine and there is absolutely no need to go crazy scouring the internet for the snazziest bag you can find to impress a bunch of women at a conference who aren't going to give a shit what you have on your shoulder. Just go to Target, bring home something that you can live with, and buy yourself a mocha something or other on the way out because it's easier than spending hours online reading up on what other bloggers are buying, bringing, or giving away to their readers and then buying and returning five bags before your husband tells you that you have a problem and drives y0u to Target anyway.

And by you, I totally mean me.

See what I did there? That's transparency, people. Work it.

1. Don't think people are going to know your name.

This isn't Cheers, people. It is a blogging conference and the official language is Twitter. Every name starts with the silent @ and #hashtags are worth their weight in gold.

Let's practice:

Hi! I'm Aspiring Mama. And you are?

Tweet immediately following the conversation I am imagining with that sweet girl with the southern accent in front of the hotel I'm staying at:

Just met Robin O'Bryant for the first time in person. Inexplicably craving #ketchup. Time to par-tay. #BlogHer12.


And a good time shall be had by all.