The Happy Fat Ass with Another Opinion

 

Of  course I have an opinion.

The Husband and I were wandering the local BAM bookstore in Bangor just a few days ago. It was my first time in the store and I fell in love. Tons of great books, gift ideas, and more for prices we couldn't beat online. That's how we shop -- usually with our smart phone in one hand and the item we are interested in the other.  More often than not, we end up finding whatever it is on Amazon for cheap and go on our merry way. This time, we left BAM with a bag of goodies and can't wait to go back.

But this isn't a sales pitch or a sponsored post I'm trying to slide by you by any means. Instead, it's time to turn our focus to the little nugget of WHAT THE HELL? that smacked me right in my Complex as we were about to leave. A hardcover book by a best selling author (her other book tells us how not to look old, by the way) with the chipper title that dares to tell the world How Never to Look Fat Again: Over 1,000 Ways to Dress Thinner--Without Dieting! It was sitting proudly in the Last Chance Clearance section for a steal at only $6, considering it's a hardcover. Tempting as it may have been to jump at the bargain price, me and my happy fat ass decided to take the iPhone out of my bra, snap a picture, and tweet, Facebook, and instagram my thanks to the author for giving me something to write about.

I am not new to the book publishing world. While I may not have a book on the shelves (yet, because I've got to stay positive, right?) I do have many friends who do. I understand that titles get changed, manuscripts revised so many times that what is put on the shelves might not even vaguely resemble what the author started with, and that platforms and sales on previous books make or break the next deal. And since there's obviously an audience hoping to not look like their age sans plastic surgery with the Best Selling Author subtitle info on the cover of this bad boy, I'm not at all surprised to see the author got a new deal. Also? I happen to love the publishing house and have many of their titles.

That being said, I also have an opinion about Other People perpetuating the idea that THIN and SKINNY are the ideal and that FAT and CURVY are labels to be ashamed of, which is utter bullshit.

The title makes me want to run crying into the nearest grocery store for a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

But it gets better, people. The Amazon description includes little snippets like:

The new groundbreaking style-guide from the bestseller author on how to look 10 pounds lighter, 10 years younger and 10 times sexier every day, all year--in summer, winter, at the gym, even in a swimsuit!

You'll never get dressed the same way again once you discover:

*smart, easy ways to hide arm flap, a big bust, a muffin top, back fat, Buddha belly, a big booty, wide hips, thunder thighs, and heavy calves-and that's only half the book.

*which fabrics, colors, and styles make women look fat

*absolutely the best shades, shapes, and brilliant buys to make the pounds invisible

Also included in the Amazon description:

The book is organized by issue, such as big bust, muffin top + back fat, and Buddha belly. While some of the topics may seem wacky at first (Are your brows making you look fat? and Hiding fat with your bag), a careful read will reveal that Krupp's advice—delivered in just the right knowledgeable-yet-commiserating tone—makes excellent sense. When it comes to clothes and the female figure, the author understands how proportion, balance, and color make the difference between lumpy and lovely, frumpy and fabulous.

Someone hold me. I AM THE TARGET AUDIENCE. Muffin top? check! Buddha Belly? Hello! Back fat? Well, it depends on the bra and the day, but I've been there. But last time I checked, calling your intended audience FAT and alienating those of us with a bit of attitude who are working to accept and love our bodies in an effort to feel good enough about ourselves to take the right steps to the healthiest we can be? Yeah, not the best tactic.

Pardon me, if you don't mind. I'm off to analyze my eyebrows to figure out if the arch make me look FATTER because that's obviously a thing. Oh, someone let Santa know I need a huge purse for Christmas. If I'm doing the wrong by celebrating my curves and body type as they are, and I obviously am, then I need a fucking huge handbag to hold strategically to hide the parts of me that offend while out in public.

Now...where the hell are my tweezers?