I'm Not Really Here Right Now

Today is the last day of the #365FeministSelfie #SelfieCon and I am actually not really here. Instead, I am (hopefully) making it to the wrap-up events, saying heartfelt good-bye to friends, old and new, hopefully optimistic about catching the C-Train from downtown Columbus to German Village and The Loft Bookstore. Full Disclosure: I'm aiming for a book-signing and for the store to carry BabyFat. Then it's back to the hotel to get our Too Much Luggage and back to the airport to wait for the first of two planes taking us back to Not The Civilized World. 

It's pretty. But we do not have Starbucks. 

Since I am not really here, I am sharing a favorite post of mine originally shared on Aspiring Mama in June of this year. 

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*24 is not enough of anything. Especially when referring to cupcakes and hours. 

* it's 10:36 pm. Good thing I moonlight as a normal human who wakes with the sun and .... What? Not buying it? Yeah. Me, neither. 

* It's entirely possible to get so far behind oneself that's one can check out one's own ass. Beyoncé ain't got nothin' on what I'm looking at right now. Oh hell no. 

* Living in the wilderness is great when avoiding holiday family drama. 

* Living in the wilderness sucks Ginormous Huevos when trying to revise a book, launch a site, homeschool a kid, shower, have sex not involving batteries, or sleep. Why? Because wild moose are notoriously shitty baby sitters and you're left to balance the world on your shoulders. This is harder than it sounds because...

* You're already breaking a sweat trying to keep all the plates spinning with one hand while not spilling any vodka out of the bottle you're holding with the other.

* An iPhone 6 plus is a beautiful thing. (Keep up with me here, people. There's no time to dawdle on pesky details like transitions here.) 

* That Friendly Facebook app I downloaded because it promised to always be nice to me and let me think less is *not* a beautiful thing because beautiful things are not battery sucking vampires.

* Logging into and out of multiple Facebook accounts is a gigantic pain in my bootylicious ass.

* Why's everybody hating on battery sucking vampires? WHAT DID THEY EVER DO TO YOU, HUH??? WHAT???

Relaunching a website that means the world to you while revising a debut book and fulfilling a lifelong dream, while noble, is also proof of insanity and will hold up in court. 

*  All the good things you've ever wanted in life can, and will, happen at the exact same fucking time. 

* All the good things you've ever wanted in life can, and will, happen at the exact same fucking time is actually Swahili for What Else could Go Wrong?

* Only stupid people, usually attached to silicone and questionable acting skills, ever ask that question....

* Right before the serial killer says BOO And they get their totally reasonable camping stilettos caught in the mud created by the sprinkler that appeared out of nowhere, thereby losing their balance and tripping, headfirst, into the wood chipper. 

* The serial killer now feels cheated and doesn't have time to remind you about the BYOT (Bring Your Own Transitions) rule for the parties he hosts.

* Which means there'll be a prequel to explain how his mother loved him a little too much. 

* It should be noted that the wood chipper most likely was stored with the sprinkler. 

SHHHH. stop. Don't think. Logic is not your friend in times like this. 

* Unless you're the only remaining character who is now guaranteed at least one bad sequel.    

* Sleep is for pussies. 

* Motherhood is not for the weak. 

* Why aren't there any support groups with sponsors and 12-step programs called Partners of Creative People? 

* The Husband has forgotten what sex is, which is for the best until the revisions on BabyFat are completely and totally done and my editor signs off on my sanity. 

* I may or may not have called him BabyFat while last in the throes of passion. 

* I hate writers who share updates like Thank You Supportive Family and Friends for Taking Care of my Previously Feral Children While I Revised this Book. 

* And by hate I actually mean I want to be them. 

* Blogs don't write themselves. 

* Writing a book is hard. 

* Revising and revising and revising and PLEASEGAWDJUSTMAKEitSTAHP without losing my shit is harder. 

* I want my mommy. 

* She's pretty badass, having once pushed me out of her vagina and then being gracious enough to let me get all the glory in every anniversary of the day her lemon pushed out a watermelon. 

* I will never eat watermelon again. 

* or cabbage. 

The cabbage thing Jeanne's fault

* Now I want to make a reverse birthday card that reads "Thanks For Pushing Me Out of Your Vagina, Mom!" 

* Tthe last man who said I had all the time in the world for book writing, living in Maine and homeschooling one child, is still living. 

* I have incredible restraint. 

* Thanks to my imaginary court approved insanity defense, the next one is getting a boot up his ass. 

* It's now 11:39 pm. 

* I need to revise.

* I need to plan world domination, which includes a podcast and gaining public interest.  

*i just wrote a blog post instead.