On Thanking My Mother for that Time She Pushed Me Out of Her Vagina

Thanks, MOM! 

Thanks, MOM! 

First I'm going to tell you that I have other More Important Things to write about but I've also been a giant chicken lately about writing anything Of Actual Importance, so I'm going to instead distract us all with typos and literary wit. 

Yes, mine. Don't believe me? I once shanked my BFF and told The Husband I was putting on lipstick for a lesbian dinner, both via text message and very probably on the same day, and they will vouch for my truthiness. Also? neither story is as funny as the time I once wrote myself out of the PR job I was applying for. Turns out referring to oneself as an Expert in Pubic Relations is frowned upon when the job in question actually has more to do with Relating to the Public than it does empowering gynecologists to feel good about their life choices, but whatever. I'd have hired me just for the laugh, but I'm obviously unprofessional like that.

I told you I've got two books coming out with my publisher, right? If not, I do. And if I did, pinch me and I'll bitch slap you but totally tell me it's real and tell me often because surreal is still a ginomormous understatement. BabyFat: Adventures in Motherhood, Muffin Tops, and Trying to Stay Sane is the eventual overnight sensation that took five years to get fucking published, so of course I'm over-thinking All The Things 'cuz wouldn't YOU?

I am sitting here freaking the FUCK out about the very problem I have wished for my entire life to have. I could be writing about So Many Things, y'all. And I will. Just not today because my BabyFat editor just sent me an email that included projected dates for final edits and blurbs and I am so very afraid of forgetting Obvious and Important People in the Acknowledgment Page, like my mother for that time she pushed me out of her vagina. 

I need tips. I want examples. Which books did you love that also had a kickass thank you page? Tell me Everything! WRITE ME AN OVER THE TOP ACKNOWLEDGMENT THANKING YOUR MOTHER FOR BEING BORN RIGHT IN MY COMMENTS JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

And Mom? I'm being totally serious about the Being Born thing and the Utter Importance of your vagina in the writing of this book. So, thank you. I love you. Don't worry, I'll call you tomorrow to read this to you on the phone because it's just easier than explaining what a blog is.