I'm the girl who prides herself on not giving a shit what the peanut gallery thinks.
I'm the mother raising the daughter to be a chingona and has learned that I can't raise her to be this Spanglish BadAss Bitch, write about it, hashtag instagram images with the #Chingonafest & #BitchRedefined, and then expect that the girl being raised to be her own woman isn't going to look at me sideways and ask why she can't say the word because how is it wrong to say a word that it's okay be be? Which is the long story version of: I'm the mother who's daughter loves to tell people that Chingona means Bitch and Now Isn't That the Most Interesting Thing You Ever Did Hear?
I'm the lady who likes to say what I say and write what I write because I need to - but for me first. The reader always comes second. I don't know if this is normal or self-serving, but I'm not sure how else to operate. Either I feel good about (even better for having written it) sharing what I do or I just don't share. That's bad. It's like the literary equivalent of rush hour in metro Deroit.
So I write and share I continue to do.
I say bad words for good reasons and understand that not everyone likes what I say or how I say it and (99.999995 of the time, I'm absolutely fine with this. I'm a big girl. I expect critics and welcome trolls. Bring it, sister. I made you a cupcake for getting the party started.)
I'm all these things, and yet I'm none. For as badass as I claim to be, I'm also unsure. For as DGAF as I used to be, I'm flustered and Oh My Word and Where's the Fainting Couch, Dammit? What if I flop? What if I don't even make a ripple? What if the last six years have been wasted because I'm only good at writing and suck at making noise on my own behalf?
And that's when the sickening realization hits: I have Stage Fright!
See, New Writers/Bloggers/Aspiring Authors? It's not just you. I'm pretty sure NOT freaking the hell out makes you an asshole or something. If I remember #Blogher14 and Rita Arens on her publishing panel, the exact quote is something like "Unless you a total dick or something, your life isn't drastically changing after you've got a book out there."
Note to self: Stop Being a dick, keep writing, refocus, get a grip, and that just about covers it, I think.