The Finger Monkey, the Kilt-Daddy, & the Sandwich that Sprained my Ankle

 

Sometimes I like to look up the search terms that lead people to Aspiring Mama. Usually this happens after a random conversation I have with a real person like The Husband or my kid or the one neighbor who's house I can see from the end of my drive (as opposed to the pretend people that live inside of my iPhone).

Today's foray into RandomSearchTermLandia was spurred on by Monday's blog post showcasing my girl and her daddy in their kilts and The Husband muttering something about his legs being all over the internet again. When I called him Kilt Daddy and told him to show me his Irish, he totally thought he was getting lucky later and, sadly, I had to tell him that was gonna have to wait for me to finish writing for the day. It took him a minute before he was all Who is this Kilt Daddy?

So I showed him. Since publishing the original post two years ago, that very term has been one of the most popular internet searches leading readers directly to Aspiring Mama. Other winners include

*Advice Columns of Satire

* Funny Stories About Maine

* Pictures of Finger Monkeys

* Do Cats Blink

* Multiple Women Naked Bodies

* How Much is a Baby Finger Monkey?

*Autosucking

and

* Broken Legs or Sprain Ankles of Famous Persons

 

Just remember, y'all, while Google may be telling you the truth when it shows you The Husband's sexy legs when you ask it for the Kilt Daddy, Google is a damned liar about the finger monkey expert thing. That, my friends, was one blog post from way back when that was the first thing ever pinned by a reader and how I learned Pinterest had been invented.

Oh, and that one about the broken ankle? In my defense, there was a lot of meat on that sandwich.

 

 

Kilt Daddy

Some really weird shit gets people to my blog. Maybe they stay after realizing that Google totally lied to them about my being an expert in finger monkeys, and maybe they get mad and leave in a huff and Google something else like "Naked Husband Swimming" and then swear out loud when Google sends them right back here. Either way, I'm making Search Term Funnies a monthly feature here at Aspiring Mama. Read on for the gems that misled the web in my general direction in June.  

... tight so it must to choose appropriate fabrics to prepare this dress. full wallpepar...

Ummmmm...the duck quacks at midnight and the squirrel refuses to pirouette without her sparkly pink tutu on?

 

Naked hiding...

OOOOH! Word association? Okay, I totally got this! Is the answer "CHOCOLATE FUDGE BROWNIES and SHAME?"

 

Women on their bellies with their feet up....

Hey buddy? Your mom needs her laptop back and also promised me a pony if I can convince you that there is life beyond the couch in her basement.

 

Monday Lucky Numbers...

When I saw this I instantly remembered that I need to cross the following off of my to-do list: "Walk in Unannounced in local Psychic's Office and Look Surprised when She Looks Surprised that an Unannounced Guest Just Walked into her Office.  Repeat until having entered the office of the one who has the balls to raise a brow and tell me I'm late for my appointment."

Also? It's Friday and I'm assuming you didn't mean the calorie/fat content on the Snicker's bar wrapper. So I got nuthin'.

Pauline M. Porn...

Paul? Paul the perverted senior who liked to call me Sugar Tits back when I was a freshman? Dude, is that you??? Frankly, I'm a bit flattered that you went through this much trouble to try finding me after all these years, but the raunchiest I get is referring to my nethers by the every popular and socially acceptable va-jay-jay so me and porn are about as likely to happen as you and I were when I was still jail bait. And I promise not to ruin your daydream by telling you about that breast reduction I had ten years ago because that would just be mean.

 Fatty Leg Swelling, Pictures of Finger Monkeys, She Broke Her Leg + ER...

It seems the Internet has mistaken me to be an expert in the Finger Monkey field and the poster child for the Full Figured and Accident Prone. Back in the day this would have just pissed me off, but right now, if it adds to my writing platform I have no problem throwing my pride to the wind. Bring on the monkey seekers and people too stupid to get off of the Internet to have a doctor diagnose what they decided to Google instead. You? Are totally my people.

 

Kilt Daddy...

I sometimes find myself Googling my blog just to dig this picture up myself. It's adorable. And sexy in the way that a man in an apron and dish soap and a pile of clean dishes you don't have to wash anymore is sexy. He's her world. His legs look awesome in that kilt and those boots. Also, this totally solves the What Will His Stage Name Be For His Burgeoning Rap Career dilemma, so thanks.

 

Also? I'm about to board a plane to Detroit so Buttercup can stand up in a wedding where I can't drink and must therefore deal with crazy relatives while sober. I'll let you know when I come up with the punchline.