A Thanksgiving Transcription

An Open Letter to My Facebook Friends List:

I wanted to thank you all for helping me sort out the Cooking of the Turkey in the Roaster Thingy that goes on the Counter minus the Rack Thingy I couldn't find. You are all geniuses and I wanted to let you know our little dinner turned out wonderfully.

Or not.

Actually, the tutkey turned out okay. The pre-dinner conversation was fucking fabulous. I'm a writer, so obviously, the evening was a total WIN.

Keep in mind that the following transcription is mostly true because totally true would mean I KNEW it was going to be this good and I'd have had my phone on record and that would mean I'm psychic and why would I be bloging FOR FREE THEN? So, let's jump on to the convo, shall we?

The sweet potato casserole I made that never made it onto instragram. I must be slipping.

The Scene: Thanksgiving, Somewhere in Maine with Lots of Snow and a few Moose, 2014. The Husband has returned from work and dinner is *not* ready to go as he'd hoped.

Him: turkey smells great. How long till we eat?

Me: 2 hours later than you are hoping.

Him: Why?

Me: Because I got it going 2 hours later than you told me to.  Obviously.

Him: What the hell, woman? Can we start with the pie, then? I only ate half my lunch to save room.

Me: No pie. I was too busy asking FB if could cook the turkey in the Roaster Thingy that goes on the Counter minus the Rack Thingy I couldn't find. Don't worry, 27 friends liked my confusion and 19 commented, which is the only reason you aren't giving thanks for peanut butter and jelly right now.

Him: Twenty-seven, huh?

Me: Or five. Whatever. The Queen of Spain says I'm good. That's all anyone needs to know.

Him (checking the turkey): UPSIDE DOWN? You put the turkey in Upside Down? Who DOES that? And what does Facebook have to do with my lack of Pie?

Me: I had to wait for people to COMMENT, yo. You know how the Internet works, right? And what the hell? Upside down? What are you talking about?

Him (speaking deliberately and now enunciating every.single.syllable lest he scare the jumper off the bridge):  Wait. The Queen of What? Pauline, look at the turkey. Can you tell me where the breast went ?

Me (indignant): I went to high school with royalty. Jealous?

Him: Not really. Just hungry. The breast? Show me. (Calm down, people. He was pointing to the turkey.)

Me: (Looking. Processing. Y'all might wanna thank The Husband for not making you wait ... ): Ummmm...

Him (reaching into flip the bird over): It's RIGHT HERE, babe. (And yes. He pointed. Multiple times. As he turned the bird "right side up", his eyes saw something else apparently even the manliest of men already know, and when he picked his jaw up from the floor, he said...) and so is the plastic. (Dramatic pause) ...and all the bits normal people pull out of the Turkey before stuffing it.

Me (meeting his raised eyebrow with my own): We agreed we weren't stuffing the Turkey.

Him: That's all ya got?

Me: Is it edible?

Him: Yes, thank God.

Me: Exactly. And now that we've acknowledged the true meaning of today, do me a favor.

Him (grinning): Yes?

Me: Shut up, sit down over there, and give your little girl a kiss. I've got a conversation to transcribe before we eat.


Prologue: I didn't finish baking till 9. They had a few store bought cookies for dessert. and yes, the upside down turkey was delicious


The Beginning of Another End (In List Form)

* We stayed up all night cooking for our tiny Thanksgiving with new friends.

* Eliana decided to help Mama with the split ends I've been meaning to cut but haven't had the time.

* Thankfully the child has so much hair that it was next to impossible to see where she actually snipped off a good three inches of her curls.

* She's still grounded until she's 40.

* Pumpkin pie is possible even if you are egg, gluten, grain, soy, corn, and dairy free. And it's fucking fabulous.

* The Christmas tree is up.

* The Elf on a Shelf Eliana has named Etsy (shut up, she's clueless) has arrived for a month's worth of Hide & Seek.

* Naughty elves and crafty elves and Smore-Making elves are not allowed in my house unless they come with a house-keeping elf to clean up after, a blogging elf (with it's own elf-sized smartphone and laptop) to document the shenanigans, and a creativity elf who'd sole responsibility is to think up and set up tomorrow's escapade.

*There are presents to buy and wrap and mail, Christmas cards to order and address and send off.

* Tomorrow we decorate the tree. In four weeks we wake up to Christmas morning and surprises from Santa. In five we welcome a new year.

* Sometimes I stay awake at night just to hold on to a few extra pieces of today before it fades into tomorrow. Right now, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Get Ready for #BodyThanks


Are you ready for the #BodyThanks twitter party?

Tonight is the night and August McLaughlin and I are so excited to start off the holiday season with an evening dedicated to supporting each other and honoring all that we are.

Click here for party details and be sure to register by adding your twitter handle/URL on the linky to be eligible for prizes!

Spread the word, share the link, and let’s get #BodyThanks trending together. The holidays are difficult on those with body image, self-esteem, and eating disordered thinking (both active & recovering). Share the #BodyThanks love and we can join each other in a kick-ass show of support. Simply copy and paste this link to tweet, Facebook, pin, tumble, & Google + the #BodyThanks event for all it’s worth!


Mamavation Monday: My (Twitter) Thanksgiving

After four hours of sleep and a trek out to Whole Foods at 8 am, I am already wishing I was in bed. But the cranberry sauce is now cooling off, the sweet potato souffle is already covered and in the fridge, and the carmelized dilled carrots are ready to go. Yes, I know it's only Monday. And I am aware that Thanksgiving isn't until Thursday...for the rest of the world. But because The Husband is still on his I hate it hate it hate it hellacious midnight schedule and everything is upside down, we are celebrating tomorrow.

After he wakes up. And before he goes to work.

I'll be thankful after the last load of dishes is washed.

I promise.

Until his schedule changes, I am pretty much single-parenting it and doing a colassal job of holding on to my last nerve. I think. Today is a great example: He had a weird day shift thrown in the mix so I started cooking for tomorrow right after Buttercup went down for her nap. In the middle of all the clean-eating, gluten-free craziness, I also cooked a new meal for our dinner tonight. I had just enough time to sit down and eat with him and Buttercup and give him a little kiss before he went upstairs to pass out, leaving me with the kid, the dishes, and more food to prepare for our little family holiday meal.

For that, I'd like to thank the Universe for screwing me. Again. (He was on midnights last year at this time. Totally not cool.)

I'm going nuts today trying to prep this because tomorrow Buttercup and I have a date at Color Me Mine in the morning. When we get home, all I have to do is get the turkey breast out of the slow cooker and reheat the sides. After I daydream about sucking down a bottle of wine through a bendy straw, of course.

There may have been a time or two or seventeen where I also dayreamed today about a sugar-filled, slightly less involved menu. But I feel very strongly about sticking to my clean eating principals. And? The gluten-free thing may be a choice for me, but it isn't optional for Buttercup and the Husband. So there's no compromising when it comes to making sure everything we eat passes the Celiac test. That, of course, makes it all worth it.

And twitter? Thanks for planning my Thanksgiving dinner.

Dinner ideas came from @GraciousPantry, a gem of a blogger who knows the ins and outs of clean eating AND has some seriously kick-ass family recipes for any day of the year. And the pumpkin mousse dessert came from a tweet from @jenspiller who took pity on my restricted diet and did a little search for me. (Also? I get to do a little jig because I roasted my own pumpkins for this bad boys of a dessert.)

No gluten?

No sugar?

No grains?

No problem.

Our little Tuesday Thanksgiving is gonna rock.