Random Fact Friday

Two: the number of dollars HC Palmquist handed to Buttercup to cover her tip for Buttercup's painted toes last weekend. Probably because she wanted to speed things along and didn't trust me to tip anyone properly after I got stuck with the We Ran Out of Room But Are Still Going to Charge You Full Price spa chair. Also probably because the chair punched my spleen. I didn't like it.

Shank: Like prison except not because it was used in a direct message to HC. Exact verbage:

Forgot to shank you for Buttercup's tip.

Auto correct: That would be my personal kryptonite.

Tears: What I was wiping away while trying to control the laughter while writing HC yet another twitter DM.

And by Shank I totally meant Thank. Although both are grammatically correct.

Abdominal muscles: The part of me that hurts from trying not to spit water onto my keyboard after reading the following response :

Here's a tip: shanking a friend is not the proper response for not getting the good spa chair.

Of course: As in, it isn't. It was auto correct, dammit. Not a Freudian slip! I'm too pretty for prison.

Original thought: There are none in blogging. Robin O'Bryant wrote a hilarious post with this format and I feel like I know her well enough to take the format, add some typos and improper language and call it my own.

Shank you: And you're also very welcome.

The Typo Queen (strikes again)

@aspiringmama: this might be a really funny story later. maybe. when i am dead.

Remember my pubic relations SNAFU?

I just topped it.

I know. I'm just as shocked as you are. I mean, really...sending off a cover letter for a pubLic relations job and unknowingly admitting that I'm an expert on pubes? How in the hell do you top that?

I'll tell you.

I'm in the middle of sorta kinda proving myself wrong. In the past three days I have queried four agents for Baby F(Ph)at. And before that? I sent off a query to another who's name I had already pink puffy hearted on my notebook. I'm not sure how you do it, but my little query method is to go into my Word documents, pull up the last query letter written, copy and paste into a new document, and then personalize accordingly. It's not a genius system, but it is working just fine for me and helps me keep track of where I am at in the process.

Also?

It's proven that typos are much easier to spot after hitting send.

Lemme expound on that.

I have one line in my query which uses the term "post mama muffin top." It's a quick and easy visual for the reader and a phrase I use so often on my blog and in real life I am considering having it tattooed on the actual muffin top which inspired the phrase. Right away the reader knows I am talking about having had a child, gaining weight, and then wondering why cellulite hasn't been reclassified as a substance stronger than crazy glue (read: the shit sticks like nothing else.)

When spelled correctly, "post mama muffin top" works.

When it isn't? When, say, the in on the muffin is somehow dropped in a moment of complete idiocy?

For those of you not keeping up with the program, let me (correctly) spell out my (incorrect) spelling for you.

My query to secret agent person had the phrase: "post mama muff top" in it.

As in "muff." As in my mind automatically went to a really dirty place when I read it 1,000 times after having copied and pasted the last query into a new document.Which led to a momentary breakdown and thoughts of suicide by chocolate and this tweet:

@aspiringmama: damn it. just. damn it. #neverrereadaqueryalreadysent

Also?

@aspiringmama: I should write a new book. #thetypoqueen. Just think of the money a publishing house would save on editing!

What writing a book has taught me: Part 1

I'm not done yet. But I'm almost there. And I've learned a thing or 10 since I sat down with The Great Plan to write A Memoir. 1) What I planned and what I have are two different things.

2) But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

3) Honesty doesn't have to be camoflauged in humor.

4) Honesty makes the humor that much more relatable.

5) I write like I speak.

6) Which means the book wouldn't ring true if I didn't use the word "fuck" every now and then.

7) Sharing with strangers is easier than sharing with people I Actually Know because...

8 ) A stranger's judgment comes without consequence and...

9) I may change my name and move to Bali when (and yes, I said when) gets published because...

10) I'm really not looking forward to the size of my ass becoming the topic of conversation at the next family gathering.

11) But I'm ready for my Manic Mommies interview. Oprah is so last year. Unless she decides to keep her show on the air and calls my future agent begging for me to take a seat on that famous couch of hers. Then I'm all about Oprah. Oh yes. My public awaits.

12) There is a story to be told in every moment.

13) Sometimes those moments move faster than the words can flow.

14) Related: Twitter is a great substitute for post-it note reminders. Tweet, favorite, refer to later.

15) It's easy to compare myself to other writers and think I'm crazy for writing my book. I'm not them! I didn't say that like they did! But that's okay because...

16) That's because I'm telling my story. In my voice.

17) Sleep is over-rated.

18) Typos are the bane of my existence.

19) Proposals and queries are not the root of all evil. Cellulite is. And that friction that comes from my inner thighs rubbing together when I forget to tug on the Spanx when I'm wearing a dress?

20) Mama can put herself first. The dishes will patiently wait till morning. So will the laundry. The child? Yeah...she needs to eat.

I'll take that 2nd serving now

I've got a knot in my neck the size of a grapefruit (yes, still) and while I wait for the Flexeril to kick in I thought I'd share how it got there. See, a few weeks ago I got the bright idea to get an entry ready for the memoir portion of the annual Writer's Digest Contest. It all started with an innocent comment from my writing buddy, Juliette.

"I love Chapter 13!"

Yep! That's what she said. So I ran with it.

And that's when I thought, "Well, hell...let's give it a shot."

It was supposed to be easy. My plan was to edit the chapter down to the required max of 2,000 words, and bounce it back to Juliette for a final once over. Because she's cool frijoles like that. And I, of course, (who can spot a diamond in the dark) can't see a typo of my own until it trips me.

That's when I found the word "desert" in my essay. (It was supposed to be "dessert." See? Now do you get the title for this post? Clever? Huh? Yeeeeeeah.) Not alarmed, I tweaked, edited, and sent it back to Juliette begging her to help me whittle 2,267 words into a polished 2k.

And because she's busier than hell with a real job and other priorities, I patiently waited while she attacked her to-do list and emailed me back with suggestions, cuts, and messages about how tired she was.

That's when I realized "sugar free" needs a hyphen. And that the sentence with the words, "my parent's house" had the apostrophe in, like, totally the wrong spot? That wouldn't go over so well with a judge, me thinks.

So I made a few changes and sent it back. Then she did the same.

And we have continued to do so for the better part of the last few weeks because Karma (and my Muse) wanted to make it perfectly clear that editing is an ongoing process and well, that I'm not prefect. (Yeah, yeah..I did that one on purpose.)

Right.

We found a dropped word. An unnecessary "a". An uncapped "Mom." And our last collective nerve.

Seriously, people, this is why I was a reported in my former life and didn't work as a copy editor. I suck at editing copy. Ask Juliette. She'll tell you. Hell, read my tweets. Or my blog. Or that cover letter for the PR job I was trying to snag right outta college where I proudly proclaimed my "extensive experience in pubic relations."

True story.

Oh, and I didn't get that job. (Yeah, I know. I was surprised, too.)

Finally, after @beltonwriter agreed to graciously read what we are sincerely hoping is the "real" final, final, final draft, we're pretty confident that the submission is almost to the point of not sucking enough to actually submit. Because seriously, it's no secret that perfectly good writing can get lost in a sea of third-graders learning how to remember the difference between "desert" and "dessert."

Now does everyone understand why I insisted on starting this whole process months before the deadline?